Let me start by saying that all men don't cheat, and all men are not dogs. This label often originates from women who have never been in the company of a man who is accountable, respectful and values his relationship. Women cheat as well but I have to address the motives in another blog. Responsible men do exist in large numbers. Many women don't experience them because they are hot commodities and as a result get taken off the market rather quickly. Men and women in most cases cheat for different reasons. Men have sex for energy, women have sex for what I call emotional depth. Men have sex for today, women have sex for tomorrow. Men have sex based on what they see, women have sex based on what they feel. I am not insinuating that women don't have sexual encounters that are strictly physical in nature because they do, but it's not at the level of a man.
Many men have affairs because that's what their father did, so it becomes a learned behavior that has proliferated through generations. Some men cheat because they have no idea of what a loving family even looks like. Showing love is a learn behavior. Adultery and infidelity have ruined the families of pastors, priests, politicians and celebrities on a weekly basis. I know of several pastors who fathered children by single women in their own congregation. Conversely, I know more men who are doing the right thing than don't. My friend John has his entire family as his Facebook profile pic. Another friend of mind on his 3rd date brought a copy of his credit report, background check and his mother to show his eventual wife how serious he was. Being true to the one you love is a mentality that is supported by integrity. Women for 100’s of years are still asking why men consistently make such impromptu irrational sexual decisions. My response and I certainly don’t have all the answers, but I have been a man for a while. Men don’t need to know your name, address, hobbies, education or background to qualify you to have sex with them. The only thing you really need is a vagina and you got the job. Some men cheat because the women in their lives neglect the physical needs of their men. Show me a man who is not getting attention and quality sex at home, and I will show you a man who is at the threshold of infidelity. That may not be the answer you want to hear but that's the reality of the seriousness for a man to be sexually fulfilled. The same freakiness that you displayed to get him needs to be maintained because that is what he bought into. Women scratch their heads because they can’t accurately empathize with what a man feels when sexual temptation has presented itself. Let me explain and this by far is no attempt to justify any man’s promiscuous desires. When a man sees a woman that he is attracted too, there are several things physiologically that take place. Testosterone and dopamine levels elevate uncontrollably. I have no other way to put it other than to say that there is an energy that hovers over us that significantly impairs our rational thinking basically making us temporarily ignorant. Smart men when they feel this run in the opposite direction. I believe men have an innate desire for sexual novelty and variety. Variety does not necessarily mean other women but variety in sexual activity. This is the basis for polyamorous relationships. The men feel that they are wired to have multiple partners to satisfy a man's sexual appetite and desire for novelty and variety. This is where I disagree. Many men who partake in polyamorous activity are fixated on the idea of being with another woman because they have no idea how to maintain novelty in their relationship with their wife. If you placed both of his women behind a curtain on their knees, he probably would not be able to distinguish the concubine from his wife. I always talk about how important it is for couples to be as sexually creative as possible to maintain novelty in their relationship. Men who don’t cheat on their wives have the same sexual desires as the men who do. What separates the two lies within the integrity of their value and belief systems. Men who don’t cheat evaluate think about the risk before pleasure and don’t want to cause disruption domestically in their family, children, investments etc. They also view their wives as truly their confidants and don’t want to self-inflict pain on their family. The chronic cheater in most cases does not either have a value and belief system or the idea of penetrating the vagina of a new woman becomes a drug in and of itself. As a result, after the build-up of dopamine and testosterone has been relieved via orgasm in the same way that an alcoholic gets relief from a shot of vodka. All the dopamine that has built up over weeks of pursuit crashes to the ground faster than hail in a thunderstorm. After he release 70% of his fix has been satisfied and he on to the next victim. The sexual fix has been temporarily alleviated and it can never return to that level again. The chronic cheater as a result, could care less of the carnage that he leaves in the wake of his sexual escapades. This type of man does not value feelings. His woman can cook, have sex on demand, travel and treat him like a king and it won't stop this particular man from a life of promiscuity. A woman asked recently in a podcast that I was on. How can a man cheat on someone he claims to love? I said a man who cheats on his wife in most cases has nothing to do with how much he loves his wife because the motives are typically physical in nature. I would like to mention the fact that one of the things that I have always done to keep novelty, excitement and variety in my own marriage is the consistent focus on the little things. If you want a perpetually loving relationship, it's going to require a consistent commitment to the little things. Love itself is not enough to keep a relationship at the juiciest level possible. You will have to fight for your relationship like anything else in life. Running to someone else is the position that only a coward takes. I date my wife weekly, we travel monthly, I don’t allow holidays and birthdays to dictate when I show my wife love, affection, attention and praise. This keeps year (13) feeling more like year (1) I think it’s also important to maintain creativity sexually by utilizing your entire house for your sexual escapades to keep complacency from settling in. Anything in life that stands still either corrodes or decays including our relationship. If your partner knows everything that you are going to do sexually before you, do it, you are already entering into a complacency zone. Complacency and predictability are both dopamine killers. The other thing I want to mention is when I do go out without my wife although rare it’s typically with other married men because I realize that most single guys primary objectives are to get laid. This reduces temptation and keeps me focused. Association will often breed assimilation. Lastly, please remember that love is not just a feeling it also encompasses a behavior and responsibility. It’s the behavior and responsibility element that keeps good men, good men. Edward C