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  • Writer's pictureEdward Cunningham

The Biology Of Sexual Attraction

If you look up the definition of the word “love” you will probably retrieve a definition that’s consistent with “an intense feeling of deep affection” I would also add accompanied with “intense lust and infatuation”. Love is actually broken down into 4 fundamental groups. “Eros” love is erotic passionate love. “Philia” is love of friends and family. “Storge” is the love of parents and children. “Agape” is the love of mankind. I had to get that out the way for my technical readers. The love that I speak on today, is the love that is the most perplexing. Love of another person in a passionate and lustful capacity should have never been just a word because it’s not just a feeling but also encompasses behavior and responsibility. This is the element of love that’s often neglected and ultimately leads to the demise of many

relationships. We don’t need help getting together, we just need help staying together beyond the incipient stages of our body’s biological warfare. When someone is attracted to another person, there is actually several highly complex physiological processes in our body that takes place without you ever noticing it. The first thing that occurs is the hypothalamus area of the brain starts to stimulate sex hormones testosterone in men and estrogen in women from the testes and ovaries. This is the primary stages of attraction. I call this level one chemical warfare. The reason I call this warfare, is because at this moment our hormones and neurotransmitters are in constant battle with our value and belief system. Have you ever asked a friend, why did you cheat on your spouse after they were caught. They responded with, I don’t know it just happened. This is because they were chemically hi jacked. This level one is the primary reason why men in particular can have sex with someone they have only known for 5 minutes. Level one is associated with lust, sex and reproduction. Our creator made it this way to ensure we would have less resistance to propagate. Level two is associated with attraction and the body of both man and woman starts to produce neurotransmitters dopamine, norepinephrine and serotonin. Level three is the attachment phase that involves the production of oxytocin and vasopressin. Here is an interesting fact. When a man begins to fall in love, his testosterone levels start to plummet and the woman’s testosterone actually increases. This is why I identify in my book “Reciprocity” why a married man or woman who partakes in a dinner date with the opposite sex and convinces themselves that it’s just business is actually in what I call level one adultery. The reason I call this level one adultery is because at this level our body and mind are entangled chemically with an external energy. The intimacy and sex that could possibly follow completes the process. Most relationships go through a completion cycle at years two and seven. Year two completes the novelty cycle and year seven completes our spiritual cycle. Most relationships peak chemically in about six months. From this moment the hour glass starts to lose sand. Your ability to keep sand in the top of your hour glass will depend on your commitment to maintain intense passion and intimacy in your relationship. If your spouse knows what you are going to do sexually before you start, you are already barking up the wrong tree. This pattern of predictability inevitably can cause the juiciest aspect of your relationship to fizzle out of control like a wet match. It’s important to understand love language adjustments and develop a maintenance schedule that can never be neglected. Also, understand that you are not the same two people today than you were when you first became exclusive.

A good friend of mine name Sam asked me the other day, why do I deliver flowers to my wife’s office every Friday. I said we’ve been together for 13 years and I am always making weekly and monthly self assessments to be the best version of myself that I can be. I said Sam, it is not my responsibility to manage what she does for me, It’s my responsibility to manage how to become the best version of myself. The problem with most marriages is the fact that we have become more reactive than proactive. We often focus on trying to remedy symptoms rather than rectify route causes. When trying to maintain that juice in a relationship that we all crave for, is going to require a consistent state of consciousness on all the things that are necessary to maintain novelty. The failure to do so can and often will place your relationship in a very precarious position. The feminine energy does not just want love, affection, attention and praise, it requires it for optimum performance. This has nothing to do with one's ability to live alone. There is nothing wrong with basking in our singleness. I'm making the point that we are wired to seek companionship. Complacency will ultimately annihilate sexual energy to the point that the things you once compromised on suddenly became a major issue. Relationships rarely fail on their own, they fail because of what we fail to become in order to stay in them.

Edward Cunningham

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